so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
