That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
