how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
