I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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