what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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