I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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