1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
