I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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