New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
