well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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