so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
