i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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