Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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