It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
