Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
