i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
