that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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