ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
