I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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