So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
