I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
