You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize