So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
