if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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