when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
