My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
