Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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