I accidentally had phone sex last night
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
