I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
