Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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