it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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