I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sext me about skeletons
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
