Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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