It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
