i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
