he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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