Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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