my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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