Your face is a jimmy john
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
