laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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