I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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