It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
