You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
