i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
false alarm, still single
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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