Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
