If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
40s are totally the cure
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
