Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
