Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
