yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
