I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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