after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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