i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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