I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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