Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize