Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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