you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
