You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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