The maid of honor just puked.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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