Three words: puerto rican gang bang
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you will always have a special place in my vag
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
