Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
