the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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