I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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